her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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