Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
