cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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