I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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