I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
