I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Why did my mother make you get naked?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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