eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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