You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
where are you?
Hypothermia
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
