Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
