You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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