found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
