If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
