I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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