Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
