I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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