I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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