Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
