The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
