I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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