Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I have fence marks all over my body
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
