Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
