too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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