I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I haven't been this sober since birth.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
