6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
