I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
