Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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