there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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