he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
