I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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