The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize
