There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
