What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
