My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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