I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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