i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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