im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
