my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
