he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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