Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
