In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
