also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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