My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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