I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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