My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
