i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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