My liver just broke up with me...
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
