she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
