guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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