FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
