I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
