Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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