I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
