Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
