I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
