Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
