The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
