You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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